Tonight I can rejoice at the deep sense of fruitlessness that has washed over me. It is a Friday night, and I spent the entire evening holed up in the basement of the engineering building. I was working on a lab report which, as near as I can tell, is impossible to get results for. I've had a rough week, packed with deadlines and short on time, so the emotions I felt tonight were certainly intensified by that. I walked home minutes ago, tears streaming down my face. It can't be done. It wasn't worth it.
So what is the joy in this? I'm glad to explain.
Tonight is an instance of seeing what could be. For many in my field, the job (or rather, the paycheck) is a god. Everything for the pursuit of the almighty dollar and the holy publication or promotion. I could choose to take that path, working as hard as it takes - knocking down any and all obstacles for that glorified achievement. I could have it all.
Reality check: my joy stems from the fact that I was disappointed in this mentality. In order to have some peace this week, I sacrificed my night off - a deserved night off, no less - for the pursuit of completing a lengthy assignment. It didn't go well. I wasn't successful. There was no satisfaction in the end product, and the result was frustration. Translation: my work is not the source of my joy. If I were continually filled up and satisfied by the problems I was asked to solve in my work, what need would I have for God? That work would give me a purpose in life, provide the means for a paycheck, and give me ultimate satisfaction. When "good" becomes "ultimate" there's a big problem - SIN.
This is not to say that I don't value hard work. I find myself quoting "work as if I'm working for the Lord" with moderate frequency to stay motivated. I think God can be glorified by hard work. We just can't let that work dethrone the King, the Creator, YHWH.
And so I am joyful. Still melancholy, perhaps, for the night, because I did give up a night normally reserved for unwinding for a fruitless venture into engineering. Joyful overall, though, because I've learned something about myself. This stuff doesn't define me or satisfy me. For that, I need Jesus. I need the one who is sitting there with me, loving me no matter how stubborn I am, no matter how sinful I've been. And that is why my heart will rejoice tonight.
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