work =/= ultimate satisfaction, 10:30 on a Friday night

Tonight I can rejoice at the deep sense of fruitlessness that has washed over me. It is a Friday night, and I spent the entire evening holed up in the basement of the engineering building. I was working on a lab report which, as near as I can tell, is impossible to get results for. I've had a rough week, packed with deadlines and short on time, so the emotions I felt tonight were certainly intensified by that. I walked home minutes ago, tears streaming down my face. It can't be done. It wasn't worth it.

So what is the joy in this? I'm glad to explain.

Tonight is an instance of seeing what could be. For many in my field, the job (or rather, the paycheck) is a god. Everything for the pursuit of the almighty dollar and the holy publication or promotion. I could choose to take that path, working as hard as it takes - knocking down any and all obstacles for that glorified achievement. I could have it all.

Reality check: my joy stems from the fact that I was disappointed in this mentality. In order to have some peace this week, I sacrificed my night off - a deserved night off, no less - for the pursuit of completing a lengthy assignment. It didn't go well. I wasn't successful. There was no satisfaction in the end product, and the result was frustration. Translation: my work is not the source of my joy. If I were continually filled up and satisfied by the problems I was asked to solve in my work, what need would I have for God? That work would give me a purpose in life, provide the means for a paycheck, and give me ultimate satisfaction. When "good" becomes "ultimate" there's a big problem - SIN.

This is not to say that I don't value hard work. I find myself quoting "work as if I'm working for the Lord" with moderate frequency to stay motivated. I think God can be glorified by hard work. We just can't let that work dethrone the King, the Creator, YHWH.

And so I am joyful. Still melancholy, perhaps, for the night, because I did give up a night normally reserved for unwinding for a fruitless venture into engineering. Joyful overall, though, because I've learned something about myself. This stuff doesn't define me or satisfy me. For that, I need Jesus. I need the one who is sitting there with me, loving me no matter how stubborn I am, no matter how sinful I've been. And that is why my heart will rejoice tonight.

Hearts change

Ever think you know what you need and that you're somehow missing out because you can't get it? I think I've spent a good portion of my time in college thinking just that. 'Well God,' I begrudgingly confess, 'your will in your time.' But when I say this out of a need to have the "correct" answer instead of a desire to wait on God, it's counterfeit -- sin. The conflict in my heart is a sure sign of discontentment.

I am so glad to say that at this time, that conflict is missing. I have what I need, and I want what I have. Rejoice!

Musings early Saturday morning

God is calling me, tugging at my heart. I'm not quiet enough to make it out, but I can feel it nonetheless. There is something I am supposed to do.

It's exhilarating.

Latest readings and adventures

God has blessed me with some sweet times this month. I've been reading the old testament every morning for a month, and I've missed 3 days from September 30 to today. I just read Ruth from my hotel in CR this morning before a long day at a conference there, and it was really cool. I love lists, so here's what I've read so far:

Genesis
Exodus
Leviticus
Numbers
Deuteronomy
Joshua
Judges
Ruth

I found myself remaining scripturally hungry in the first week or so when the OT challenge was just 5 chapters a day. I generally read 10 now, though in the last week, I've had a couple of shorter days when deadlines were closing in.

I got into conversation with a girl last night who has only read the Old Testament. I think she sort of considers herself a Christian on her own terms, and (as seems common) she said that her decision to walk away from faith was based on [hypocrisy] of other so-called Christians. It pained me to hear that she believed in "her religion", and I felt my heart break as she rationalized it more and more. Keeping in mind a message I heard recently, I listened and tried to relate. God's magnificent gospel cannot be effectively delivered to a lost and dying world via combat, but on the other hand, it doesn't get across by utter passiveness either. I kept asking God for words; and I believe God sowed a seed or two through me. I'm going to be praying for this girl.

I want to be granted the knowledge of the Bible necessary to effectively communicate it through conversation. This means reading it, reflecting, writing it on my heart, and praying for wisdom. I know I'm not the most out-going person, but when I get started, I can talk. I desire to become better equipped.

And now I must write a lab report. Looking forward to starting 1 Samuel (and then Kings and Chronicles!!).

Deuteronomy

Okay, so apart from getting Moses' perspective of the 40 years in the desert, Deuteronomy is ALL about God's love.

Following God's commands will protect us and keep us safe. Laws derived from love. Naturally, we ought to love God for covering that in our lives. Except sometimes we're not so good at that. God tells Moses to destroy all forms of all idolatry...

I especially liked the passage I read this morning.

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the Lord is one. -Deuteronomy 6:4

Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands. - Deuteronomy 7:9

And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good? - Deuteronomy 10:12-13

This is some sweet stuff. I can't believe I never did this before!

OT Challenge

I'm currently reading from start to end. I've tried this in the past, but for whatever reason, my progress usually dwindles by Numbers. I'm about halfway through Numbers now, and I have no intentions of derailing now.
What I'm coming to learn by reading the Old Testament so much more intensively is some of the context behind later passages. I realize the books of the OT are not arranged in chronological order, but having read about the construction of the tabernacle and the manner in which sacrifices were to be made, the terms "sin offering", "grain offering", "guilt offering", etc. make more sense later on.
What a beautiful story the Bible presents...and by God's grace I get to live it now! From the loving Creator to wrathful Judge, God's place in history is one that I respect and admire. How much more meaningful His Ultimate sacrifice, Jesus Christ, his Son, is to me now that I have read the price for the "smallest" sins. For instance, I read in Numbers today that a man broke the sabbath by gathering firewood. Others in his community brought him to Moses, the prophet leading the Israelites out of Egypt, and asked 'what do we do with him for breaking the Sabbath?'. Moses consulted with the Lord, and it was decided that the man must be taken outside of the camp and stoned. Sin is sin. God requires restitution. God loves us, though, and He sent us a savior.
I stand amazed. Nothing I try to do to repay this debt will ever be significant.
All I can do is praise, thank, and worship the One who is worthy. And His grace and love have the rest covered. Sweet.

My Heart Leaps for Joy

The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song. - Psalm 28: 7

This verse sums up the mixed bag of emotions I've been holding for the last little while. I received word Sunday night that wasn't exactly heart-breaking, but it did make me sad. This one's going to have to play out God's way, and my immediate reaction was probably more out of shock than anything else. Though I was sad (and to some extent, still am), my heart literally leaps for joy when I think about trusting God. Handing over worry and stress to the Everlasting God is, well, liberating! I'm grateful for the ability to trust God, especially because the concept is relatively new to me. It's one thing to say, "Yes, Lord, whatever you will. I give you my life," and another to experience it. It's enough to make your heart leap.

David and Goliath

David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give all of you into our hands. As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him. Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead and he fell facedown on the ground. -1 Samuel 17:45-49

I don't believe I've ever read about David and Goliath before. I'm a big fan of a band that calls themselves "Pocket Full of Rocks" after the story of David and the giant, but I never came across it. I had heard of it prior to starting Sunday school in 6th grade, but I guess they didn't teach that lesson to the older kids. Above is a portion of the account...really cool. Our God is a mighty God who stands up for His children...allowing a boy with 5 smooth stones and a sling to defeat a 9 foot tall giant - whom all the Israelite men run from in fear - the Philistine champion is overcome by a single stone!! It takes away any excuse to have fear (apart from the fear of the Lord), that's for sure!

Hmm...that's all for now.